About six years ago, in 2011, I was in the shape of my life!  Worked out all the time, was strong, fit, thin, eating healthy.  People thought I was a personal trainer.  I kept it up for several years even though I’m naturally a chubby girl.  I was a chubby kid, always on a diet.  As a teenager my weight went up and down.  Sometimes I starved myself, sometimes I binge ate and then purged.  In my twenties I explored all kinds of diet pills and have done the diet circuit like any other pudgy American girl.  Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem, LA Weight Loss, The Three Day Military Diet, Paleo, Atkins, Vegan, Raw, The All Smoothie Diet…..the list goes on.

It’s safe to say that I have issues with food, diet, self-esteem, anxiety.  The anxiety of the whole thing only perpetuates the whole thing.  I never sought help for some kind of eating disorder.  Mind you, I did see a therapist for a while years ago, but I don’t really think we discussed my issues with body image and food in any real depth.  I was too embarrassed to bring it up.  So it remained my (not so secret) secret.  It’s hard to hide the fact that you have issues with food when the weight just keeps piling on.

So, since 2011, I’ve put on about 40 pounds.  I haven’t weighed myself in several months. I’m scared to get on the scale.  I know technically, it’s a great way to monitor my progress.  And, if I could somehow take the emotional pain out of it, and just focus on it like a project, I could weigh myself.  However, I feel like I’m in a good place right now, and maybe I should stay away from the scale, and just concentrate on taking care of myself.

Maybe in a few months, if I feel like what I’m doing is really working, then I can start going on the scale again.  So, through writing this, I’ve decided to stay off the scale until I’m feeling stronger and fitter and dare I say…thinner.

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