Africa2017_1060

This is something that my mother always wanted to do.  Of course, it wasn’t something I wanted to turn down either.  It was the trip of a lifetime.  We just got back five days ago, I’m still recovering.

The worst part is, the pictures are ruined.  At least for me.  Tainted by how miserably ugly I feel.  What a stupid thing.  A beautiful trip to Africa.  Something I will never forget, and will always love, there’s me, looking fat as ever.  Of course my big plan was to get back in shape for this trip.  Five years ago, I was in the best shape of my life.  Very fit, a size 4 or 6, working out two hours a day- including hikes and volleyball and spinning and kettle bells.  Well, since then, I’ve gained about 40 pounds.  About 8 pounds every year.

The ‘Big Plan’ never came to fruition.  I’d have one or two good days- then, it would all go to shit.  By the following Sunday, I’d decide, “Start again Monday”.  Then, the cycle would begin again.  Each week just gaining weight from the stress and anxiety of it.

Maybe this blog can help me reach my goals.  I’m hoping it will make me feel motivated, encouraged, and committed.

Then, I’ll somehow treat myself to another amazing trip in a year or two, and have some pictures that I can really be proud of!

The worst part is, in Africa, there really are so many very thin, actually starving people.  It made me feel so silly that THIS is my problem.  Eating Too Much?  Eating the wrong food?  Not being able to control my intake?  Struggling with a food addiction?  How dare I?  It just seems so ridiculous.

I think what it comes down to, is I’ve just been using food to feel more fulfilled, satisfied. I’ve been using food as a way to dull the pain, to stay alone.  It’s a safety net for sure.  In one respect, it keeps me out of harms way.  Somehow being fat keeps me just a bit numb to the world.  Keeps me from really getting involved, really committing.  Well, I guess, I hope that I’m finally ready to begin this journey and fight this fight.

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